The sporting event minute-by-minute blog is a time-honored tradition for columnists too lazy to put together a meaningful opinion, since all it does is essentially transcribe what is going on. The Super Bowl blog, then, is the crown jewel of sporting event blogs – the Zeus of tripe. But in a greater sense, that's what writers do: we take what we see and draw out a deeper meaning. And that's what I do: watch people who are much more physically fit on TV and write about them. I'm practically the next Hemingway.
Starting with the pregame show:
5:19 – Chris Mortensen lets us know that the officials have designated a "no-fly zone" between the 45-yard-lines to keep the peace during pregame warm-ups, and that three security guards have been assigned to watch Joey Porter, as if he were Hannibal Lecter. This seems excessive, given the fact that a)he is a man and not an unleashed Bengal tiger and b)he must know that starting a fight and getting ejected before the Super Bowl even began would get him killed back in Pittsburgh.
5:30 – Apparently players from both teams get to take still photos with the Lombardi Trophy before the game, which seems weird. Wouldn't you refuse, to avoid jinxing yourself? Has Matt Hasselbeck learned nothing about the power of a good jinx?
5:32 – Al Michaels suggests that Seahawks linebacker Isaiah Kacyvenski, who graduated from Harvard, is probably relaxing before the game by doing a crossword. That's right – doing a crossword is an intellectual challenge that a pro football player could only take on if he had an Ivy League education.
5:45 – Look, I know this is a tribute to Stevie Wonder, but did they really have to let him dress Michael Irvin?
5:59 – Things are finally getting started. We have two TVs side-by-side, which allows my girlfriend to watch the Puppy Bowl on mute. I have to say, if the Super Bowl wasn't on, I would have no problem watching puppies sniff each other's butts for 3 hours straight.
6:01 – Tom Brady is in charge of the pregame coin toss, which seems to have no purpose other than to make NFL management's collective desire to fellate him even more obvious.
6:03 – Wow, Kurt Warner is still alive.
6:07 – I swear to God, McDonald's has to be making their commercials stupid on purpose. I never thought I could understand the mentality of a suicide bomber, but I think I'm getting there.
6:15 – So apparently the premise of Adam Sandler's next movie is that he has the ability to stop time. And all he uses this for is to watch women's boobs in slow motion and embarrass his neighbor's children. This seems pretty unrealistic. If I was suddenly granted this power, I wouldn't even stop to put on shoes before I went out and started looting stores.
6:27 – We're finally underway. Troy Polamalu looks like he's possessed by demons. A solid, well-balanced opening drive by the Seahawks immediately stalls with the sack by Farrior.
6:34 – Either every domain name except brownandbubbly.com was already taken before Pepsi got on the Internet, or they're being blackmailed by a German porn site.
6:43 – Great protection from the Seahawks' offensive line this series, but a costly holding penalty on Chris Gray. Three drives, no real offense from either team.
6:48 – Bud Light, 0 for 3 so far on commercials. The Seahawks have a short field, but still can't get anything going.
6:53 – More ads pushing a TV news magazine piece on Natalee Holloway. It's true – news producers must high-five one another every time a white teenage girl disappears.
6:54 – Finally, a big play. Touchdown Seahawks… followed by the immediate reversal due to an unnecessary offensive PI. Seattle picks up a field goal from Josh Brown after a drive that is still obviously a failure.
7:00 - Quality commercial from Ameriquest. ("Well, that killed him.") Bud Light: 0 for 4.
7:04 – A relatively uneventful first quarter; both offenses look tight, and the Seahawks have basically gotten their points as a result of field position. Ben Roethlisberger is yet to complete a pass over about five yards.
7:06 – I really hate when shows like "Dancing with the Stars" try to market themselves to guys by using sex. So guys now have two options to get their rocks off: a)watch an hour of ballroom dancing featuring one or two marginally attractive girls in revealing outfits, or b) porn. I can tell you which one wins.
7:12 – Another Seahawks drive stalls. What determines when a pass over the middle becomes a completion and then a fumble instead of an incomplete pass? Because apparently catching the ball, turning upfield, and then getting the ball jarred loose isn't enough. Also, wow – the Steelers still don't have a first down.
7:18 – I guess I would use CareerBuilder.com if I was looking for a job, but what I'd really rather have is a job where I actually did work with chimpanzees. In fact, if a chimpanzee ever interviewed at my office, I would threaten to quit if my boss didn't hire him as a janitor.
7:20 - Terribly underthrown pass from Roethlisberger results in an interception. The poo stain on the back of his pants should become visible any second now.
7:21 – Be honest with yourself. Can you watch a movie with Tom Cruise in it now without wishing for him to die a horrible death?
7:22 – Dove: Justifying unsightly upper-arm fat since 2005.
7:35 – The Steelers bring a floundering drive back with a ridiculous catch at the 3-yard line by Hines Ward, who dropped a TD pass about two minutes ago.
7:41 – Roethlisberger, for the moment, sneaks it in for the touchdown. Referee Bill Levy is about to become a household name all over America, no matter what the result of the review is. This is an incredibly close call – and it stands. Probably the correct decision.
7:53 – Costly clock-management gaffe from the Seahawks, followed by a missed field goal. "A very weird sequence," according to Al Michaels. John Madden is "scratching his head." All in all, an uneventful first half. Both teams are obviously still feeling each other out and the Steelers, surprisingly, haven't put much pressure on Hasselbeck.
7:58 – Look, ABC, there is no way we, as guys, are watching "Desperate Housewives." I know you think I'll do anything Hugh Hefner says, but I'm sure Hef had no idea what "Desperate Housewives" was right up until you delivered a suitcase full of money to the Playboy Mansion. Other than a theme idea for an upcoming issue.
8:06 – Man, I know it's a tired joke that Mick Jagger is old and frail and all, but he looks like a wad of Silly Putty that was stretched into the shape of a man and left on an Arizona sidewalk.
8:32 – Willie Parker breaks off the longest rushing play in Super Bowl history, and the Steelers have a 14-3 lead. It's starting to get a little sweaty inside Mike Holmgren's mustache.
8:41 – Josh Brown misses his second field goal of the night. Ouch.
8:50 – The commercial with the Godzilla clone and the giant robot was a good commercial, but I'm not sure it was good for Hummer. Not what I was expecting.
8:52 – Roethlisberger throws a HUGE pick to Kelly Herndon, who probably should have taken it in for a touchdown. Nonetheless, ABC thanks you, Kelly Herndon, for preventing the wave of channel-changes that would have accompanied another Pittsburgh touchdown.
8:54 – Touchdown, Hasselbeck to Jerramy Stevens. Just like that, it's 14-10.
9:07 – Pittsburgh ends up punting again, but they pin the Seahawks inside the 5. This has settled back into the trenches.
9:14 – Seattle appears to be putting something together – big third-down conversion from Bobby Engram.
9:20 – Jerramy Stevens puts the Seahawks inside the 5 – and again, it comes back on a holding penalty. Flags have been killing Seattle all day.
9:22 – "We want the ball, we're gonna score!" Bad timing for a sailer from Hasselbeck, and the Steelers are in control again. "Mistake-filled" is becoming a more and more appropriate adjective for this game.
9:24 - Emerald Nuts – best commercial today, hands down. Not that that's a remarkable accomplishment.
9:27 – Wow. You knew sooner or later the reverse pass from Randle El was coming, and it was perfect: 21-10. That could be the dagger.
9:33 – "Fumble" by Hasselbeck after a 20-yard run. Oh man, here comes an opportunity for the refs to screw the Seahawks. Looks like this is going to get overturned, though.
9:37 – Justice has been served. For all those of you who don't like instant replay: Exhibit A.
9:40 – OK, I understand the use of Derek Jeter and Ichiro in the "flag face" ads for the World Baseball Classic. But Mike Piazza representing Italy? Come on. Other things that would have made this commercial better: half of America's flag and half of the Dominican flag on A-Rod's face, followed by Barry Bonds, with no flag at all. Or just a flag that says "Barry."
9:47 – Big first down from Randle El, and now the Steelers are in clock-chewing mode.
9:56 – Code black means a bomb threat, okay? There, I just saved you an hour.
9:57 – The Seahawks are delaying the inevitable at this point, although those Josh Brown missed field goals really hurt now.
10:02 – Cowher is already soaked and grunting with joy, and it's over. I can honestly say I could have gone my entire life without seeing Bill Cowher cry. Today I am less of a man, just by association.
10:14 – Your Super Bowl XL MVP: Hines Ward. Loudest cheers: for Jerome Bettis.
10:15 – Skip Bayless begins writing a column claiming that the Steelers are the worst Super Bowl team of all time.
